"Impossible to receive any mental health care"

I posted about 2 years ago about the wait for adult ADHD assessment. I am still waiting for that and I think it probably significantly harms my mental health considering how much I struggle at work to do things I should be capable of, and feel useless and guilty and constantly anxious about the next meeting where I have to reveal how little I have managed to do. It also has a lot of impact outside of work. I actually have a few more scars now from minor wounds that became my tool to fiddle with / distract myself with, and my fingernails are completely messed up because I can't stop biting them. I need to be doing an action with my hands at all times and if I don't have anything else then it is biting off my fingernails or playing with scabs / dry skin / spots / whatever else I can find on myself. 

When I last contacted them I was told there are thousands of people in front of me in the queue, people who entered the wait list years before me are still waiting, they get more people joining the waitlist than they can deal with, and if I want to get treated I will need to go private. So what am I supposed to do!  I don't have that much money anyway even if everyone was happy with private diagnoses!

I've also got some other stuff going on. I've tried a few times to get some treatment for depression and anxiety and things and have tried a few antidepressants and had a few attempts at CBT. Probably going back to 2015 or 2016. I've had consistent low mood through my entire adult life. I've been struggling a lot recently and trying to find something that can help me. I tried to get help through the NHS. I also tried to get some help through the university. The uni offered me some short term counselling which I took because I guess I just hope that something will help me and I won't know until I try. Through the NHS I eventually got put on an 18 month waitlist to see a psychologist. I was then immediately removed from the waitlist because I had done the short term counselling through the university. I can't even reapply for 6 months.

Feels like I am back at square one.

ADHD assessment is essentially never going to  happen.

Got offered something new for the depression and all that which I hoped would be helpful - only to have it immediately taken away from me. I guess I can start the whole process up again in half a year, maybe get back on the waitlist 3 months after that if they decide it is appropriate and then wait another 2 years till I actually see anyone.

I feel I have done the things I am supposed to. I needed help and I reached out. I accessed what I could through the uni, like people recommended to me. I saw the mental health nurse. I was recommended to try and get help through thrive. I went to that and met someone to see what I wanted and what was available to help me. That led to another session and then another while they tried to see what resources would be useful for me. At the end of that I basically got some information about some self help courses available to me alongside the psychology referral that was then immediately taken away from me. I have been trying to get help for a decade basically. I am aware of the self help resources available. I do not find it helpful to be told by some website to put my phone away an hour before bed and to try and get some exercise.

I felt particularly bad and I reached out to try and get help. I had a few meetings where I tell them everything that is wrong with me and come out of those feeling worse. And that is where it ends I guess. I will probably just give up on getting help and just try to keep going through life. In a year or two I won't be able to contain it anymore and I'll start the process again despite the fact that it has basically just made me feel worse because I need some kind of change or to be a different person somehow with a different brain and way of thinking and all that and I am not capable of doing it myself. I know that's how it'll go because I've already been through it.

I don't feel much hope for the future. I guess I just reach out occasionally because I sometimes feel desperate for something to change, but I'm not really sure that anything exists that can actually help with that. There is just something fundamentally wrong with the way that I think and feel. Like what am I doing now? How is this complaint going to do anything? I guess I am angry about the psychologist being cancelled and just desperate that somehow someone will read this and somehow have some kind of solution for my issues. I have again exhausted all the other options available to me and am stuck shouting into the void.