"Alcohol A*buse & recovery journey"

I guess I’ve always been a heavy drinker on and off over the years and as I got older, it become more of a dangerous habit with having an addictive personality. When covid hit back in 2020 I was a few months off from having our first baby, when he arrived it was very difficult being isolated from family, friends and normal life. I was getting stressed more and more and I knew that alcohol was a great way for me to forget about all my problems, take a step back from just being ‘mum’ and feel more me!

I would always keep my thoughts and feelings to myself and let them build up telling everyone I was fine when I wasn’t, I just never liked the thought of having mental health issues or letting anyone down. I wouldn’t class my self as a full blown every day alcoholic but I couldn’t ever say no to a drink.. and at times I would become so aggressive or angry it become a problem for others to be around me.

I felt stupid to admit I was struggling and that I maybe now had a bit of post natal depression? there is so much stigma upon the subject of ‘depression’ that instead of talking about it, asking for support or realising what it was I just carried on as normal. Always thought I can do this and break this habit.. fast forward to December 2022 I had our baby girl just 2 days before Christmas and our family was complete. Genuinely I thought I was okay in myself but I knew I wasn’t and so did everyone else. I still had a fear of admitting I needed a bit of help and although I felt much more confident in being a mum 2nd time round I still couldn’t shift this feeling. I’m genuinely a happy, loud confident and outgoing person so for me it was hard to admit I wasn’t feeling like that and that a drink would quite simply help me feel uplifted!

Then the worst yet weirdly best day of my life happened.. 3 months after having my daughter I was having a bad day and turned to the drink, I drunk drove into a tree off the dual carriage way writing my car off and putting myself in hospital. This was legit the worst day of my life and people will say ‘oh get over it you only drunk drove’ but I was extremely lucky to have not only killed my self but anyone else. I lost my license for 17 months and I could have lost a hell of a lot more. However I realised that day I did have a problem and that I am an alcoholic and have the best support system around me.

The next day I took a long hard look in the mirror and thought about all the hurt and anxiety I caused and I knew that today I was going to sort this problem for good. I called the doctors straight away and after an hours assessment i was diagnosed with post natal depression and offered to try some anti depressants, I had a negative view on them and thought what can a pill do and I don’t need to rely on this to make me happy do I? After talking this through and getting a better understanding of an anti depressant I started taking them the next day. Within a week I felt more happy, my head was clear and that negative fog had gone, I felt my hormones had started to balanced out and I could see clearer.

Next step I called Inclusion and a week later I had my first appointment with Jessica (Andover) I cannot thank Jess enough she was so supportive and made me feel so comfortable talking to her. I really learnt to open up and realise yeah I have a problem but it’s actually ok, as long as I keep control of this. I learnt how to set boundaries in place and be realistic about my next steps. Jess and I went through all sorts of info on alcohol a*buse and how to overcome the problem, gave me very helpful websites and chat forums which gave me a real insight on how my past behaviour can affect not only me but my loved ones. I saw Jess for a year and I think she’d agreed that the person who walked in that very first day was half the person I am today. I will be 15 months sober next month and I’ve never been happier or healthier, I also took a drink driving awareness course and get my license back next month too! Thats why although it was the worst day of my life, it has also become the best as I wouldn’t be who I am today.

Talking about your problems really does help and it encourages you to be honest and get that help you may need, my journeys been overwhelming at times and you really do find out who is there for you along the way but I know I’ve got a great support system in place. If i’m stressed I communicate with my family and friends and ask for that little bit of help, me and my partner talk about things now and we’ve become a team again and home life also couldn’t be better. I want to set an example for my children and always want them and my family to be proud of me and the person I have become today. I can now be around people who are drinking or at events and not have one thought of me needing a drink and happily say no thank you. I will never let a substance define who I am or control my actions.

Big thank you to my ever supporting partner, family, friends and not forgetting all the help Jess from Inclusion gave me.