"My arrest and my mental health issues"

Recently I was arrested. The morning that the police came for me I was in the bathroom getting ready for work. I opened the bathroom door to see a police officer there waiting for me. I knew my time had come.

The reality and gravity of what I had done had finally hit me. I was instantly suicidal.

I went voluntarily with the officers to a police station where I had to change into slippers and a plain grey sweatshirt. I was in a holding cell for around 18 hours. They offered me food and hot drinks, I wanted nothing- just water. As I sat there and as the hours went by I felt shame, self hatred and remorse. All I wanted was to end my pathetic life.

After a few hours I was met by a health and justice worker. For the first time in my life I was able to open up about issues that has been a curse on my life. I told her that I had never spoken of this to anyone.

The weed I was smoking disconnected me from the gravity of what was happening, my room was infested with moths and I had rubbish piled up level with my bed. It took the visit from the police and my arrest to finally snap me out of it. I was interviewed but my solicitor told me to say nothing at all. This felt terrible as I just wanted to open up so I could finally get the help I had always needed.

A few hours later I was put into the back of a small police van and driven to a mental health crisis centre where I sat with an officer for about an hour. The crisis team wouldn’t see me. They put me back in the van and took me back to the holding cell where I sat with nothing but the reality of what I had done circling around in my head. I just wanted to die and I was prepared to end my life.

A few more hours past and they released me on conditional police bail. The officers were very kind and I am actually grateful for them, they had shattered the illusion for me, it made me see it for what it was. Since that day I have completely stopped using cannabis and have gave it my all to block out my past ways. It feels like I was lost in deep space to be brought back to earth only to see the huge mess I had made of my life.

The first week was the toughest, I was only staying alive because my mom and dad still love me and want to help me through this. I was in regular communication with an understanding lady from the health and justice team and my doctor.

My doctor referred me to counselling I was hopeful they could help me and support but they basically told me that she couldn’t help me. I felt helpless and hopeless and alone.

After an hour or so I reached the phone and called an organisation that my health and justice worker signposted me to. I waited for a while on hold but I was going to wait for as long as it took. I got through and the lady on the end of the phone was kind, none judgemental and understanding. I told her my story and she and her colleagues were there ready to help me through this, I had finally found the people that can help me. The health and justice team, the Samaritans and a specialist charity team have saved my life.

I am doing everything I can to be a new person and stop it now are helping me with tools I need to do this. I can’t change my past but I can save my future, not just for me but for those around me. Thank you health and justice, you helped me find those that can get me well again and get my life on track.