"I felt frightened, trapped and abandoned"

In my very first conversation with the caithness midwives when I phoned after having a positive pregnancy test they told me that as a first time mum I would have to give birth at Raigmore, this took me aback that this was the first piece of information they felt that I needed but they were very clear from the outset that having my baby close to home was not an option.

My pregnancy went beyond term and as a result I was scheduled for an induction -Once I arrived at Raigmore my experience was absolutely awful. We were asked to arrive at 9 pm to begin the induction which seemed like a bad idea to me as I would usually have been asleep at that time of day and I was nervous of being overtired. When we arrived I was ushered into a cubicle on the very quiet ward, despite it being so quiet it took over an hour for me to be seen by a midwife - they seemed completely put out that I was there and I felt like an inconvenience. This particular midwife lacked compassion and was saying things to me like they'd prefer me to be in spontaneous labour, as if it was something I could control and I was being difficult because I needed to be induced. The midwife also complained about how busy they were and that they’d get to me if they had the time - I felt like I was a nuisance, like I was something to be dealt with not like I was being cared for.

I had given this midwife a copy of my birth plan, which was the NHS template which I had filled in, it was just very simple and mostly outlined that I would like my husband to be with me and the pain relief I wanted to opt in for - the midwife rolled their eyes at me when I gave it to them and said you’re one of those that’s written an essay are you, I suppose I’ll have to go through this with you. once again I felt completely unwelcome and unwanted and like I was taking up their time. The midwife said to my husband that if they only had to look after Inverness based patients and weren’t having to deal with the Caithness mums they would have enough staff.

I felt that I was the bottom of the priority list because I’d come from Caithness and because I was needing to be induced.

Once my induction was started, my husband was sent away and I was left alone on the ward penned in to my curtained cubicles, unable to walk around, unable to sleep because I was in pain, occasionally attended by midwives to check my blood pressure and temperature. I felt frightened, trapped and abandoned.

Through various shift changes I had several different midwives coming to do my checks and I found that the younger midwives and especially the students were much more caring, they stopped to have a conversation with me and check that I was doing okay rather than just rushing in to prod and probe me and then leave again.

The first part of my induction was a pessary which was to be left in for 24 hours, but it was nearly 25 hours before it was removed at around midnight - at this point I was told that I was ready to go up to labour suite to have my waters broken and that I could go at the next change of shift. I therefore waited patiently, having already not slept for over 36 hours. The shift change came and I was informed that they were short staffed so I couldn’t go up yet, at this point - the early hours of the morning- I decided to try and get a little sleep.

I was woken by the midwife at 5 am and told that I had half an hour to gather my things together and call my husband as it was time to go up. By the time my husband came across however they had decided that they didn’t have space left for me after all, so my husband was sent away again and I was left alone in my pen again. They kept telling me that I could likely go up at the next shift change, several came and went and still no space for me - but I couldn’t sleep because I was waiting in case the next one would be my turn. I eventually got a space up in labour suite at around 12.30 on the Tuesday morning - having been there since 9 pm on the Friday.

Once in labour suite I had 10.5 hours of painful contractions. After this time however I hadn’t progressed far enough to deliver and it was decided that an emergency C section was necessary.

During the surgery a second surgeon had to be called in due to complications and blood loss. After which I was moved to a room and left alone. 

At this point I was completely exhausted, left in charge of a newborn and not particularly able or mobile as a result of the surgery and having a catheter in. Although nurses came to check on the baby several times I felt alone and frightened and I feel it could have been a lot better if they had allowed my husband to be with me for more of the time.

We both found the whole experience traumatic and have both been suffering mental health problems since coming home, for the first couple of weeks at home I was suffering night terrors and was unable to be alone in the daytime as I was taken over by waves of terror. 

The experience has left me with lifelong health conditions as a result of the lack of care during my child’s birth - and I am facing urgent surgery for a hysterectomy to resolve the issues, so I will never have children again.