"Suicidal ideation & mental health"

I am in my mid 50's and have struggled with my mental health most of my adult life…moreso due to childhood trauma. I have always managed to stay self employed and bring up my children in a much better environment than I had experienced myself. It was always a promise that I made to myself whilst crying myself to sleep most of my childhood. I have experienced very good and very bad mental health support during my adult life. Once my children flew the nest (by which time I’d already railroaded a divorce with my husband after 18 years marriage - he had an affair)… I began to lose my mental inner strength of holding my life together.

Over the last 10 years I have tried on many occasions to end my life… as I've felt I can take no more pain. I have come close to succeeding but ventilators… etc have always managed to bring me back to life.

Anyway as I have said I have many many stories to tell regards positive and negative mental health support… some absolutely disgusting, but I want to focus on my present support at this time.

I have been working with a lovely Community Mental Health Nurse named Kim… well my first thoughts on meeting this young lady were how is someone so young going to even come close to understanding my mental health? But I was so surprised…she showed such compassion, empathy and support from the very first time we met…. And she still does on a weekly basis. Even coming to my flat, sorting my meds…arranging many supports like penumbra… welfare rights… social prescriber etc etc…basically going out of her way I feel, when I have isolated myself and basically no longer wanted to live.

There are times when I’d still rather be dead, and I believe I most certainly would be if not for Kim. She encourages me to call her any time I am struggling or if and when I feel the need to speak with her. Obviously the latter only occurs when something within my environment has me in that desperate state of mind… but I feel keeping a very low profile is safer for me so… Anyway Kim is one of 2 ladies within Mental health Care who deserve credit where credit is due when it comes to keeping people alive when their minds are telling them to harm themselves. As she has helped me little by little to still be alive at this time.

I know I wouldn’t still be here if this lady had not crossed my path. In the past on the occasion I have found some Mental Health support to be very abrupt and uncaring believe it or not. Supporting such very delicate people I have found this to be quite unbelievable, but being given Kim as my mental health support. I believe there must be a reason for me to remain walking this earth no matter how painful it can be…but with Kim by my side over these very traumatic 6 months have helped me go from a person living on emotional life support machine, to that same person in resting mode resting in a hospital bed…(this is my analogy of how I see myself from inside…at this time.)

I still have a very long way to go, I feel, regards being alive. But I'm stable, so... well done Kim.