"My journey from hidden tears to smile"

I can't exactly tell when it happened. I think it was a multiplication of bad memories and the way I was treated by the people who are supposed to support and love me. It was painful but I didn't know I was experiencing pain. I was like a robot on autopilot.

Before the therapy I didn't let myself feel emotions. I thought emotions are pain. Life without emotions is better. Then I lost my brother. He passed away. I knew he would but I wasn't ready for this. Unfortunately I think I am still not ready to understand that he is really gone but thanks to therapy I know how to cope with the grief.

After his death lots of bad things happened in my life, I felt like I am nothing, no one important. I have been referred for a therapy. I never wanted to harm myself or others but I haven't seen any light around me. All I could see was darkness and grey colours. When I have started therapy I was more than sure that it was nonsense. I thought I shouldn't be there I am just wasting my time . Why would I need to speak to someone who doesn't even know me? How can I get help. But I have try.

I am so happy I haven't resigned my therapy. Finally for the first time in my life I could say everything that was very deep inside of me. I think I had a black hole in my head where I put everything what was painful and I even forget about it, but from time to time my body was giving me  signals that there was something really wrong.

At the therapy there was no criticism, no opinions, just listening. Sometimes I have needed a little push to talk but I am grateful for that. I understood this is my time its all about me and the rock and roll in my head.

I have learnt a lot about myself I have started to understand my reactions, my emotions, I even let myself have a little cry sometimes. Yes, I feel pain when I invite sadness but thanks to that I can feel positive emotions too. I have improved myself. I know I can feel better, I can be better. I have changed, I had some goodbyes too but it's ok. Now is the time for new. I have been thinking a lot about myself, my life and I know I can keep my head high and smile even if something is not like I would like it to be . I believe for better.

So, if anyone thinking to start therapy but has still not decided, I can say go for it . Do something only for yourself. Please don't be scared and let someone help you. You deserve it! And I promise you will not regret.