"Living with Autism and Depression"

I am Autistic and suffer from depression and anxiety. It is not surprising that I have developed these mental health issues, as I was battling the effects of Autism, undiagnosed until I was 52. Autism gives me extreme social anxiety due to a lifetime of bad experienced related to the fact that I perceive the world differently to the way non-autistic people do, I take things very literally, have limited facial recognition, and do not read non-verbal social cues. Not being able to understand the verbal and non-verbal 'hints' from those around me, whilst being obviously intelligent and articulate, makes people think I am being difficult or trying to deceive them in some way, which makes them suspicious of me and usually they try to avoid me, or try to bullying me.

Having come to expect this from others means that any social interaction is fraught with anxiety, and in order to be perceived as 'normal' I have felt the need to 'mask' or pretend to be 'normal' to be accepted, both at work and in any other social situation. I am not alone in this, many Autistic people learn to 'mask' as a defence mechanism against the impacts of not 'fitting in'. This process is exhausting, as it the constant fear of those you like turning on you in some way. Not an easy way to live your life and all the years of this have led me to suffer from bouts of severe depression. I have been medicated in an attempt to prevent these, and to help me cope with being me, since 1999.

I first encountered Dumfries & Galloway Mental Health (MH) Services when my depression got the better of me in 2020. I sought help when I started consistently waking up wishing I hadn't. I had a strong desire never to wake up again and found myself with intrusive thoughts about the various methods I could use to cease to exist. Having sought help through Samaritans I saw my GP and was referred to my local Community Mental Health Team. I saw a Clinical Psychiatrist for a medication review and was given a Community Psychiatric Nurse (CPN) and a Mental Health Occupational Therapist (MHOT) to provide the support I needed to get better.

It turned out that the medication I had been on for the past 20 years had stopped working. this was devastating as it had been my life line, and to change from that to something else meant reducing it until it was out of my system, and then gradually adding the new medication until there was enough of it to 'keep me afloat. This process lasted for about 8 weeks, which was terrifying as my desire to leave life behind got stronger and stronger in this period, and if it hadn't been for the regular calls from my CPN and the support I received from my MHOT, I am sure I would not have survived the process.

My MHOT, Claire, was always calm and kind and her calls made an anchor point I could focus on from one week to the next. She helped me create a Wellness Recovery Action Plan, and coached me on balancing 'work, rest and play' and, as part of the latter two, suggested I consider attending some of the Scottish Autism Zoom groups. I had never attended a Zoom group before, but I decided to give it a go and signed up for three each week. These were Mindfulness, Art Therapy and a Choir group. Discovering this peer network has made a huge difference to my life, giving me a peer group with a mutual interest in each other's lives and experiences.

Claire's advice and support continued into getting me back to work after 11 months of ill health by providing me with paperwork to give my line manager, HR and Occupational Health departments explaining what adjustments I needed to allow me to return. Claire supported me through the first months of returning to work until I was stable and able to go on, on my own, however reluctantly.

About a year and a half later there were a variety of changes in my life including my work having been taken over by a company I found to be unethical, my elderly mother being diagnosed with a form of dementia, and my having started a workplace grievance for some discrimination I was facing. Inevitably, I found myself sliding into depression again. This time, rather than wait until they took over, I responded to the budding intrusive thoughts by calling my CMHT right away and asking to speak to the MHOT, Claire again.

When she called I was hugely relieved. We discussed the issues I was facing that had caused this slide and she helped me to see my way through by reminding me of my Wellness Recovery Action Plan and the need to balance the work, rest and play elements of my life again and not to over do things in any area of my life. Claire also produced an Allied Health Professional's Report for my workplace again which I was able to send to the HR department of the new company who had taken over my work, and this supported me in my grievance.

Claire's last call was this morning, and once again, with her support, I have got my life back on track and taken steps to make it less likely that the depression will get the better of me again.

This service has meant the world to me and I only wish I had been able to access it sooner. I cannot speak highly enough of Claire and the Mental Health Occupational therapy service, which has, quite literally, changed my life for the better.