"Judgemental and Invalidating"

I feel the Crisis team are so judgemental and invalidating towards anyone who has a personality disorder and call us attention seeking and manipulative when we ask for help! I have been sent home on numerous occasions after an assessment and have attempted on my life quite seriously before they would even provide home crisis team support or an admission to carseview. 

Carseview ward 2 is horrible worse experience of my life was left unattended for hours on end and was able to harm myself in the ward to a point of needing stitches due to the lack of staff checks. There has been numerous times I’ve been given something that can be a risk to myself as something that can distract me and staff are aware of these risks before providing these items due to previous harmful behaviours with these items 

A few years ago by a member of staff grabbed me and pushed me into my room where I fell onto the floor and banged my head, they did this when I was already distressed and had been IMD multiple times and this made me worse and I complained and got a response that it was appropriate restraint procedure?! I was then left for hours in my room harming myself, screaming and crying because I was in such a low place and I left my room to go and ask for help and staff locked my door locking me out my room because I was being selfish and disruptive but locking me out my room made things worse as people were staring at me having a meltdown and nurses stood there saying I was being selfish and disrespectful and saying i was enjoying the attention 

As someone who deals with the crisis team a lot, each time I get told my mental health issues are behavioural and that i have capacity and know what im doing and im just enjoying the attention storm everyone is absolutely shocking! I have autism so when I get over stimulated I become overwhelmed and can get teary and frustrated and they tell me to stop acting like a toddler and it’s behavioural. Last week I was experiencing psychotic symptoms which isn’t normal for me and the crisis team stated I wasn’t in a crisis and that I’ve had lots of engagement from them and don’t need anymore and need to learn to deal with things etc I ended up in hospital the same night after a OD which left me very drowsy and unaware of what happened or how it all happened other than waking up and I was in hospital talking to the voices that were in the room with me and I was convinced I was getting controlled and that people were trying to hurt me…. But the crisis team said it’s normal behaviour for me which is isn’t! I have not experienced anything as severe as I did last week and a message I sent to numerous of people without even remembering sending or writing it shows how ill I was and needing help and got none of it as usual

The crisis team will refuse to see me majority of the time and send police out to deal with the situation instead which police are at a dead end as they need to take me to a place of safety and be assessed by the MHAA however all I have to say on the phone is I’m fine and they deem me safe to be alone at home. If I refuse to speak to them because of the nursing staff who’s on then I get told I’m not engaging so they can’t help and when I explain I’m not looking for help they say it’s all for attention then which doesn’t make sense. Police have had to sit with me for hours on end because the crisis team refuse to put any support in place to keep me safe and tell me to take responsibility for my safety but the police know from dealing with me that I will attempt and I will harm myself as soon as they leave and sometimes when they are with me too because I can’t hold it in and I let the emotions take control. Police sometimes have no option other than to sit in my house with me , take me into police custody or take me to a family member which is NOT helpful.  

I have been in the wards so many times over the last 4 years but mulberry is the best ward out of them all not a single bad word about them they did everything they could to help me and I have been recovering there is still bumps in the road but im in a much better place than I was at the start of the year after a serious attempt.