"Feeling lost"

I don’t believe or feel these guys can support and offer what’s needed. Mental health is a complex, misunderstood mess. 

My Dr has saved my life. No doubt. I don’t criticise one iota.

I had a CPN who I felt avoided my calls, made excuses, and manipulated m. With a mental health condition, who’s going to believe me ? 

Crisis team is if you're suicidal?  GP if you are struggling a touch? But in between psychiatric appointments, what about us who have no clue what’s going on ? 

Months of impulsive, destructive behaviour and choices? Hate, suicidal thoughts? Regrets, guilt, fatigue, anxiety, every day a turmoil.

I have two choices.  Deal with it ? Or Die? 

I’m hurting these I love with aggression, hurtful statements, and inconsistencies. Surely they would better without me? 

I’m not Bi Polar? And as far as I am concerned it’s proven than medication does not treat BPD? So why do I take medication for this?

Life’s difficult on these meds everyday ? And constant jags and blood tests.

But even after all that my life feels like an uncontrolled mess  anyway.  So is medication really necessary in treating BPD. 

I hate who I am. So I turn up to psychiatrist meetings ? And I want to please. I don’t give 6 months trauma in 10 minutes . 

I give what I feel at that moment .  

I am not criticising the NHS or my Dr. 

Even being polite and in a desperate situation? Dealing with the secretary is a nightmare . 

I am left feeling worse than I did when I first called .