"My life since counselling"

Throughout my life I had learned to always keep looking forward and that there was only one person that I could always count on; myself.

I thought that I had dealt with situations quite well considering the circumstances and that the extreme highs and lows, the anxiety, the need for but also fear of being alone, the sense of guilt, the worrying and the pleasing was just part of my life and who I was.

I was surprised that from my first counselling session, I broke down in tears and the independent strong person that I thought I was, just disappeared.

After a couple of sessions my counselor said that since childhood the message I was given was that my opinion was not valid. Since then this message was repeated until this became part of my life and I totally neglected my own feelings and needs and just stepped into a people pleasing role.

This resonated with me so strongly and I slowly started to believe that my feelings and opinions are valid and that until then my life was not my own but merely a vessel to fulfill other people’s wishes and needs.

The first time saying no was difficult and a long period of anger followed, anger that I allowed to be. I gave it a place in my life rather than pushing it away and blaming myself for having those feelings. I sometimes woke up at night and felt so angry, shouting at nothingness.

They are the first steps in finding healing and although they hurt, they released a long held up response to a harrowing situation.

I was so scared to speak my mind that even in small insignificant disagreements, I would be filled with anxiety and I would then do everything to ‘make it up again’. What right did I have to speak my mind? What right did I have to do what was best for me?

The freeing experience of learning that saying no is ok, that saying how you feel is empowering and that it doesn’t mean bad things are going to happen to you was immense, and I was set on continuing on this path.

It wasn’t easy and I cried and felt so much fear but standing up to my ex-partner and his family that had such a strong hold over me in relation to my son empowered me and I was not willing to go back.

I have now been able to free me from that situation and I am leading a happy life. Although the demons are still there, and they sometimes re-appear, I now know that it is through loving and trusting myself and my feelings, that I can overcome this.