"I've never had this much help and consideration before"

I suffer with depression, severe social anxiety and have personality avoidant traits and I have not been around a lot of people for a long period of time for nearly 4 years.  So after receiving the letter to say I was going to be admitted for a biopsy on my throat I became very agitated and scared.  I have never had an operation or general anaesthetic and knew I would be kept in overnight because I have no one to look after me.  So I decided to ring the day case unit prior to my scheduled date, to get more information and to make them aware of my anxiety. The receptionist was very pleasant and assured me that she would contact all relevant people and make them aware.  

On the day of admission I was very tense, weepy and scared, this was the case throughout my stay, I couldn't talk without getting upset.  When the anaesthesiologist came to talk to me he realised that I was upset and went to get a nurse to help.  In turn I got to see the surgeon and a consultant.  All these was extremely nice and considerate to my needs.  They decided that I should go 1st to theatre (I was 2nd on the list).  There also decided that there would only be 3 people in pre-op to alleviate my anxiety.  I was (and still am) extremely overwhelmed by all this care and compassion shown to me and having people who fully understand how frightening this experience was for me.  

After the operation I was again shown great care by the recovery nurse and taken to the day ward (C33) which was great.  I asked for the curtains to be drawn around my bed to alleviate my anxiety and I already brought my headphones to block out noise. I was told that the staff did not like the curtains drawn but did so to help me.  But if a patient want privacy isn't is their right to have the curtain closed?  All these staff was brilliant and provided excellent care even though they were busy.

By 10pm I started relaxing a bit as the ward went quite and I was starting to drift off to sleep.  This all change at about 1030-11pm when the night team came in to take final checks.  The nurses was very loud in taking these checks, no consideration for people who have had major surgery and trying to relax. 

After these checks I became upset and was crying because I felt a fraud, I was only here because I had no one to look after me and there was women in much worse condition than me.  The curtain was still around the bed at this point when 2 nurses came in and open the curtains with no prior warning. One realised I was upset and asked if I was alright, I wasn't going to talk why I was upset in front of 4 other patients and 2 nurses. I asked for the curtains to be drawn and was told that they could as the patient in the other bed was having breathing problems and they needed to see from the doorway if she was alright, as they did not want to disturb other patients.  Which I do fully understand, however I felt they should have spoken to me and explained the situation. 

What about my need, yes I was not as poorly as the other patient but I could have asked if there was anywhere I could go if I needed to calm myself down, but I wasn't given this opportunity. I went into the toilet for15 minutes to try and sort myself out but this only made me worse.  I am no good in expressing myself and I felt the staff made it clear of their views and wasn't going change them.  So I felt it was pointless trying to talk to them.  So I got dressed and packed my things and started to leave.  One nurse stopped me and I asked her to take the cannula out of my hand but she wanted to talk, so I took it out myself.  She asked me to sit in a day room, I only did  this as I was going dizzy and feeling light headed.   They said they had no other beds available and they wanted me to stay in, so I agreed to stay in the day room, not an ideal situation but at least I will be by myself.  They left me there for about 5 minutes and came back saying a side room was available and I could stay in there but id there was an emergency during the night I would have to move.  I did appreciate them doing this for me.

Although I didn't sleep much due to being anxious and upset, also outside noise which I couldn't block out even with my earphones. I also couldn't believe how much noise the night staff was making.  At times it sounded like they were having a party.  They went on earlier that they did not want to disturb other patients yet here they are laughing and carrying on so loud that they could have woken the dead!  

It seems to me that my initial phone call didn't make any difference, as there didn't seem to be any notes on my medical file about how bad my anxiety is.  I know people think I am difficult to deal (especially if you don't know me) but I did try and express how I am in this call.  I also know I 'shut down' when someone trying to talk to me, which make me seem uncooperative.  

I wish to express my gratitude to the everyone who helped me during this day.  I have never had this amount of help and consideration before and I am truly grateful.  Unfortunately I cannot remember names or faces, so I thank them individually.

Unfortunately I do feel the night staff needs more training in compassion and how to conduct themselves through the night.  This was the thing that let the whole experience down.   

I think I will always feel like a fraud being on the ward and get mad with myself for how I acted on the night, which I didn't feel I could talk to the night staff about.  I know the patient in the other bed was poorly but I felt that I had all my rights removed by the night staff.