"Ongoing Problems with Care"

I have Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. Recently I have become estranged from my family and, after leaving an abusive partner 2 weeks ago, have no friends left to speak to. I am totally alone and have been extremely suicidal. I believe there really is no other choice since I can't access any help to get better.

I refuse to see the Crisis Team/Home Treatment Team since they're somehow WORSE than useless. They actually speed up my death in reminding me that there are no qualified and sympathetic professionals available to me. I am referred to them every time I ask for help, and when I do see them I am told to "go for a walk". Or worse, told nothing. Many sessions have been a case of, "are you OK?", "no", "OK, we'll see you next week". They are always giving me their number "just in case" I want to relive this cycle of somebody coming round to check that I'm still suicidal and then leaving.

I recently saw a Psychiatrist under the Home Treatment Team after I called to complain. I am very distrusting right now, due to my prior abuse (lifelong) and this neglect from the system (lasting 3 years). I told the Psychiatrist that I will not take medication, nor will I accept home visits from the Home Treatment Team, since both consistently make me worse. He offers me Diazepam, which I say I will take "only to knock myself out". He writes the prescription anyway. He offers me an appointment with a Psychologist the following week. I accept.

He continues to tell me that he does not care for me (quote: "I don't know you, I don't care for you") and that I am contradictory in that I want help but am not willing to accept it. For the record, I am only against seeing "professionals" that tell me to have a bath and take a walk. I suffer blackouts, flashbacks, am suicidal; I can't do anything in the day bar (occasionally) feed myself. I want help. I want good help. I want anything that works.

This Psychiatrist upset me because I kept saying that I couldn't wait until next week to see anyone (I live totally alone and have no-one to talk to), and he kept ignoring me. So, I left the appointment early, crying and went missing. No-one called that day or the next. I receive a phone call from them this morning informing me that I have been discharged.