"Losing my mum to Covid 19"

I lost my mum to Covid in April 2020 and it was very sudden. I had a call from my dad to say she was taken to hospital Thursday night and she was gone Friday afternoon. We didn't even know she was ill, this happened over in Yorkshire and I live in Manchester.

As this was during the first lockdown I wasn't allowed to see my family and it was just awful. By this time there were no attendees at funerals, so it was streamed to us and we all watched at home. It was heart-breaking to see a coffin with no-one there. It felt like it could have been anyone in that coffin.  All I could think was how she died all alone and now she's having a send off all alone.

My mum was very bubbly and loved her family and friends, life and soul of any party, so to go out like this was just so hard to comprehend. I didn't feel and still don't feel I had the closure I needed to carry on. I know everyone grieves differently but none of this seemed right.

I would have been at her bedside as soon as she was taken into hospital, I would have been there when she passed. If I wasn't able to do that I would have visited her at the chapel of rest, but because of Covid this wasn't allowed due to a sealed coffin. And last but not least I would have been at her funeral surrounded by my family and friends and had all the support and love I needed.

I didn't get to see any of my family till Father's Day at the end of June. I had a good cry with my family but again nothing was normal about it, not been able to touch each other, no hugs. I managed to get 1 more visit in at the end of July before it all went mad again.

I just feel trapped in my grief and haven't had the normal succession of events to ease my pain. I am finding it hard to find joy in anything, every event seems tainted. My son's birthdays, seeing a card from grandad with no nana on it. I didn't even recognize the handwriting on the card because my mum always wrote them. Little things remind me of my loss and I break down at the silliest of things.

I really need to be with my family to get used to her not being there, but as I'm not allowed to travel to Yorkshire, I can't do it. Lack of social interaction with my close friends has been hard as I've not had the opportunity to have a cuppa and a good cry.

I also have two sons aged 8, 11 and they took the news really bad, so I've held in my grief to protect them. My oldest has been suffering with extreme anxiety and has taken up a lot of my time and attention. I always put everyone else's needs first and neglect my own needs. I have my time at night when I cry myself to sleep. Anyway that's my story.