"Mental health services during the pandemic"

Around this time last year, I made plans to end my life as I felt overwhelmed by depression and anxiety and couldn’t see any way through. I was lucky in many ways that I had excellent support from an NHS counsellor, who took steps to secure support from the crisis team (who were also amazing) as they spotted that I was becoming very unwell. Although things worsened, I was enormously grateful for the reassurance and support that the crisis team provided. I ended up spending a few weeks in hospital and was discharged back to the crisis team and then my local Community Mental Health Team. Then the pandemic hit. 

I expected there to be an impact, but as mental health was being more widely discussed in the media and workplace, I felt increasingly invisible. 

I know full well that I am not the only person who needs support, that others are struggling around me and services have had to adapt to cope. But this NHS that I passionately defend is failing me. Instead of getting better, I feel at breaking point again with nowhere to turn.

My current support consists of periodic phone appointments with a lovely Dr, where my medications are reviewed and a brief attempt is made at reassuring me that really I am on a waiting list for some therapeutic support, but without an indication of how long this will be. 

There have been various errors made with medications, promises of support made that haven’t happened and the chasing I have had to do to make anything happen at all, at a time when I feel at my most vulnerable. The cold reality of the situation is best summed up by my conversation with a senior staff member at the CMHT team who told me that of course I was important to them, but they were busy dealing with other priorities such as actively suicidal people. And then went off to deal with something else.  

The message seems to be that to get any support, you really do need to be actively trying to end your life.

For nearly a year now I have fought the urge to do just that, and I can’t tell you how much it saddens me that a professional responsible for my care did not understand the significant impact their words would have on someone who went into hospital rather than take that option.

I know there is no magic wand with mental health, but I have asked for help because I need it. I really do. I just want some help.