"Trying to get support from the mental health team."

I had a nervous Breakdown in 2017. I got my appointment to see my psychologist and that was fine.   I was suffering from severe depression, anxiety and post traumatic stress disorder.

I started to see the psychologist in the February and I explained in vivid detail how bad these "panic attacks" I ended up calling them terror attacks, I thought people could read my mind, I t was horrific. I was also hearing voices which was very scary and hallucinating, I kept seeing a woman at the side of my bed during the night, I was totally immobilised with the lot of it. My point here is I never saw the psychiatrist until the September and she even commented as to why it took me so long to see her and get the proper medication that I needed. I really suffered when I shouldn't have.

My psychology sessions ended at 17 times. I didn't end it my psychologist did as I never contacted her for 3 months, I was working 2 jobs and didn't have time for myself to call her. . So that was me back out to the world with no support. My depression has never gotten better since then. I saw a CPN a couple of months ago as a family member was so concerned about my state of mind. I went up spoke to the nurse he then told my family member that I was fine, nothing wrong with me, but my family member spoke to the nurse at great length and the nurse changed his mind once he was told more about me.

So I got a voicemail or a letter I can't remember anything my memory is terrible to say that I was to get a CPN, I didn't actually no how to feel about it. I knew it was support but it was the unknown.   Then I got another letter In say 3 weeks ago to say that I wasn't to get the CPN and that I was to get support from the mental health team and my psychiatrist at the Buchann Centre.

I haven't got a clue how to go about it. I don't answer my phone for days because I go into these black moods, I don't get washed I just stare at the TV with my head totally done right in. I don't eat, I have no appetite at all and I've lost over 3 stone since November. I'm writing this because I have been assessed by this nurse, we spoke for about 45 mins. I get hyper with my nerves and I'm a happy jolly person on the outside and I think that is what they see when really it's a mask, I'm trying to be polite and don't no how to talk to someone who I've just met.

So that's my story. My physical health is shocking for my age and this is causing my mental illness. Oh and according to the DWP I'm perfectly fit and healthy. I was getting PIP after a knee operation, I was on it for 3 years they sent me a form out to see if there had been any changes so I told them that I was just out of hospital, I got my gallbladder out but the surgeon punctured my liver twice and cut a vein so I had to be opened up. 28 staples across my stomach, I was in icu for a week and took a really bad chest infection. The year before that I had a shoulder operation, I have arthritis in both shoulder, neck and knees.

They called me in for a medical and said that I was perfectly fine and In great health and that there was nothing wrong with my skeletal frame. I need a knee replacement and they cut me off. It went to a tribunal and I didn't even get 1 point. Is it me? Do I look Healthy and happy coz I can assure you that my life is in tatters. I've lost my identity, I'm a cripple but not a cripple. That's why I go into my dark moods I'm crying out for help and nobody is interested. My son is 16 and he has looked after me since he was 11. He is my lifeline, if I didn't have him I wouldn't be here.  

My ex partner thought that he could look after me but he has no clue as to how ill I really was and no medication to calm me. When I had my breakdown I knew it was happening. It started on the Friday night and by the Tuesday morning I was just lying totally done in. We phoned nhs24 and I went up to out of hours only to be asked if I take drugs. I felt like jumping out the window. I didn't know about the mental health team and nobody ie my friends told me that there was a service available