"My life has completely changed, I am a new woman!"

I have been suffering with depression on and off I would say for about 4 years. It took me a very long time to even realise what it was, I just thought I was broken, not normal and needed to snap out of it and shape up. A friend of mine plucked up the courage to tell me one day that she thought this was what I was going through and that maybe I should try and seek help. I laughed it off, not possible, there are worse off people out there than me, I'm just feeling sorry for myself and being selfish, nothing bad is wrong in my life I'm just being silly and will be laughed out of the doctors appointment for wasting their time! 

She encouraged me to go to the doctors to see what they think and I just went in the end to keep her happy. I was shocked when I was telling the doctor how I felt that he wasn't laughing me out of the appointment! I was recommended to go for therapy, and when I got my appointment I was put forward for CBT at Inclusion Thurrock. 

I was extremely nervous, the doctors didn't laugh at me but these therapists are experts, they are going to see you are an attention seeker and kick you out no questions asked. I didn't know what I would talk about as I don't know why I get sad and started panicking. I was called through by a therapist called Erika, who was lovely. She asked me questions and we started talking and she sympathised with how I was feeling and didn't think I was selfish or seeking attention, I was shocked! 

After my first appointment I started to accept that i was suffering with depression and this wasn't normal to feel this way so frequently, but was still so frustrated because I didn't know WHY I was having the feelings I was. CBT is all about (in my interpretation from having the sessions) cause and effect. I broke the hoover and now I'm feeling useless, pathetic, cant do anything right. My depression wasn't like that, I would be fine one day and then I would wake up and BOOM, sad, no energy, cant stop crying. 

I had a couple more sessions with Erika, but it just wasn't working, I was struggling to answer the therapy leaflets that we went through and felt so deflated that right, this is it, I'm broken I cant even do therapy right! But that's when Erika reassured me and put me forward for counselling of depression. 

I unfortunately did have a while to wait as the waiting list was quite long, but when I was given my appointments I was just looking forward to another chance at healing. My therapist was Claire, and as cringe as some would find it, she has changed my life, hopefully forever. 

I mentioned to her that I often worry about what I am going to say in my therapy sessions as I never know why I am sad, we explored this and I would tell her certain feelings and thoughts I had throughout my week, she would ask me to explain why I think I feel that certain way at that point in my week, and then before you know it I am diving into something that happened to me 4-5 years ago that I didn't even know bothered me still. 

Turns out that I was in an abusive relationship and didn't give myself the validation for this, the things that I put up with in that relationship scarred me and I lost all of my friends because they didn't want me to be with him anymore and asked me to choose between them or him. 

Claire's way of explaining things that I feel helped my brain to understand why I feel the way I do and it was just trying to protect me and got lost along the way. I think we had about 9-10 sessions, and I now feel like I can take on anything, I have learnt things about myself I never thought I would, and I have come to a cross roads where I have a million different options I can do! For so long I have been chasing what society has told me I need to be happy (a good job, a loving partner, a house of my own and children) but now I am happy WITHOUT any of that and it feels brilliant! there is no rush, I can do what I want and live my life! I'm not ashamed of what I've been through and I am so proud that I can say that therapy has worked for me and I worked hard at it.