"Mental Health & Missing Records"

  I moved to a new county where I found all my records had disappeared (I'm currently 40 and first engaged with services when I was 17) As a result when I attended my new surgery I was met with hostility simply for asking if the doctor had my records.   They didn't listen to anything I said after the words mental health but did give me a phone number to call and tell me, after only speaking to me for 15 minutes and having no idea of my history to 'just take control of your life'.   I called the number and was given what was supposed to be a course of 6-8 sessions with a 'counsellor'.   It wasn't a good fit (which I understand) so I only had 5 but they gave me info to self refer to a  local subsidised therapy service not affiliated with the NHS. Through this service I was able to access two years of one on one therapy at a greatly reduced rate.   During this time I addressed some trauma which caused me to become suicidal. My therapist kept sending me back to my GP when she was concerned that I was at risk expecting them to do something.  

All they did was keep being hostile and refusing to treat or even listen to me.   I was told to 'google it' and also that they 'didn't have the training' It got to the point where even thinking about going near the surgery triggered panic attacks (I have been diagnosed with panic disorder in the past not that anyone would know)  Eventually I ended up on an informal suicide watch splitting my time between my home and my parents home so that I wouldn't  be alone.   During this time I registered at a surgery near my parents home because I had no other option.   The doctor there was great.   The kind of GP we all dream about who is attentive and efficient (or as efficient as the system will allow)  She dug in and spent a considerable amount of time and effort trying to help me access NHS mental health services.   That took about nine months.   There were no treatment options, just a take it or leave it group therapy.   Not a good fit for me at all but I did it because there was nothing else.   I saw a few different therapists(? ) there and had to keep trying to dredge up and repeat decades of my history over and over again but never made any progress so I was just constantly revisiting trauma with no support.  

I offered to put them in touch with the professional who had actually made progress with me over the two  years prior and got a smug look and a -I think we'll be OK-   !   The same person concluded our session by telling me to -drink more water and pray.  The NHS in 2019 ladies and gentlemen.  

This experience drove home the point that the 'help' people keep telling you to go and get yourself truly doesn't exist and contributed to a suicide attempt, my third since the age of 19.   I was left waiting in A& E with no interaction from staff for seven hours (after a 2 hour wait for an ambulance because I was home alone, agoraphobic, unable to drive and bleeding I had to call one, sorry, didn't know what else to do).   I had an injury, was in a heightened state of anxiety and hadn't eaten all day.   Eventually I was met with a very nervous nurse.   I was exhausted and starting to disassociate at this point and just wanted to go home so I settled for a couple of paracetamol and for the wounds to be closed then left.   I could tell she didn't know what she was supposed to do with a mental so I even said, don't worry I just want you to patch me up so I can go home.   She did and I did and here we are.   I have withdrawn from all NHS services at this time as I'm sorry but in their current incarnation they do far more harm than good for the mentally ill.   Hate to break it to you but this is how we die.   Slowly, in increments, fighting to access this mythical 'help' the whole way.   The narrative that mentally ill people are simply 'not trying hard enough'  has to stop.   Without adequately trained staff, treatment options or continuity of care we don't stand a chance. We are trying as hard as we can, just to survive. Please at the very least stop being cruel to us.   We're not living like this on purpose just to inconvenience people.