"Crisis teams haven't cared"

I was feeling extremely low and at times suicidal, so I tried contacting a number I found online but was told, by a very blunt person, that I could only be referred by a different organisation.

I made a self-referral to a local organisation called Minds Matter. I was called back not long (may have been a day, I've lost track of time) after making the referral and the person I spoke to was sympathetic and told me that she thought that based on what I told her, I needed a referral to the local mental health team. I don't remember if they actually said "crisis team" but that's who I was referred to as she considered the situation to need help quicker than if I was placed on the Minds Matter waiting list.

After calling me at a train station when I obviously couldn't talk about my personal issues, the Lancashire crisis team eventually called back and I poured my heart out even though I'd clicked that the person on the end of the phone sounded suspiciously like the blunt person I'd spoken to previously on the aforementioned number (turns out I was right, I think - same person, different number for the same place).

It quickly became obvious that they were looking for ways to get rid of me. I'd narrowly avoided suicide because of a friend, but they seemed to focus more on the fact that I hadn't gone through with it rather than the fact I almost did - in other words, they wanted to focus on ways to claim I didn't need support. I called Minds Matter back and found out my case had been closed (the crisis team had lied and claimed that I could carry on with Minds Matter, but they had closed the case - though they did tell me they could re-open it, but they had a waiting list). They put me back through to the crisis team and I spoke to someone different but even though I'd explained my previous experience of speaking to the person, I was put back through to them. I was becoming increasingly distressed as rather than want to help me, it seemed like I wasn't worth bothering with.

I felt like taking an overdose and despite having previously read about the risk of simply ending up with damage instead of dead, I felt it was pointless NOT to. I was about to do this when I tried Minds Matter once more. I was put through to the crisis team again and a different person spoke to me and was judging and blaming. I've actually done some mental health training myself when I've been feeling alright and know that you're NOT supposed to judge or blame.

I wrote a message on Facebook making it clear that the people on there weren't to blame, and sent a message to a friend but she missed the hint in the past tense version of my message. I was literally about to do something when for some reason the Samaritans phone number popped into my head. I'd read that it was pointless calling as apparently they're told not to give advice, but I decided to make one last ditch attempt at speaking to someone, anyone, who actually cared.

The woman on the other end of the phone saved my life. I was misjudging her tone of voice at first and thinking maybe it was pointless, but as I spoke to her it quickly became clear that she really did care. And although she didn't tell me any direct instructions, she did offer suggestions in the form of -have you thought that maybe it could be this?" or something like that rather than the less-helpful -so how do you feel about that? kind of responses (I know those responses can be helpful, but not always if you've explained how you feel and want to make things better). 

I'm so glad I gave the Samaritans a try - I wouldn't be here now if it wasn't for the woman on the end of the phone. She helped me to clear my thoughts and think about what I could actually do rather than focus on everything going wrong.

I've discovered that, sadly, when it comes to crisis teams, many people seem to have had bad experiences.  Instead of people with empathy and good listening skills, they seem to be staffed by ex-call centre staff reading off scripts designed to get rid of you. I wouldn't be surprised if the people I spoke to had tick box sheets where they've filled in something along the lines of 'spoke to service user' 'referred service user to alternative care' 'case closed'.